Ms. Cléo Dubois is well known
in the national leather community for her very intense workshops.
For beginners who want to include kinky elements in their play
(a little spanking, a little bondage...), she offers workshops
on negotiation -- the art of sharing your fantasies and needs with
a partner so that together you can bring your wildest fantasies
safely to life. Ms. Dubois also gives workshops on playing rough,
on embracing the dark side, on erotic bondage, and on many advanced
kinky skills.
In a recent interview, Ms. Dubois took some
time to talk to AFF about the ways kinky elements can make your
foreplay
even hotter.
This interview is for those
who may not consider themselves "kinky," but if you know you love
kink, you can read Ms. Dubois' complete interview starting the end of July
in the Magazine
at our companion fetish site, ALT.com.
AFF: Can you briefly talk about your
personal journey with BDSM [a catch-all word for a variety of fetishes derived
from the terms Bondage and Discipline,
Dominance and Submission, and Sado-Masochism] and maybe what you've learned
about the variety of options in the BDSM world?
MS. DUBOIS: I did not always
know that I was kinky. In my 20s I loved to pick an argument
with my lover, provoking him to get rough with me and
then feel so
sorry that he would do anything to please me! Well that sort of manipulation
totally disappeared from my life once I discovered my SM desires of mixing
sex, power games and intense sensation. That was the link that brought
my sexuality
into focus. It taught me that negotiated sadomasochism is a valid path
to self-discovery, healing and intimacy. I started to learn to
integrate all
of the aspects of
me: brat, good girl, submissive, sadist, disciplinarian, mentor, control
queen, Domina,
mentor, slut, nurturer and ritualist.
In the early 80's, with the encouragement
of a kinky boyfriend I began exploring the SM Frontiers in the
San Francisco Leather Community, finding
that fantasy/mind/body
explorations were a powerful venue for my erotic fulfillment and self-discovery.
It didn't take me long to realize that I loved bottoming [being the one
who submits] as well as topping [being the one who dominates], as long
as it
was consensual
and negotiated. I joined the first local SM educational group, The Society
of Janus [www.soj.org], attended all meetings and volunteered for everything:
spanking,
flogging, bondage, play piercing etc. Once I felt that I knew enough
to be a safe player, although not a sophisticated one, I became
a professional
Dominant
out of my passion for the Scene.
AFF: People on AFF are interested in
good, healthy, uninhibited sex, and they're often very adventurous
and always like to hear about things
that
can spice up
their sex play. What are some fun ways to get started in kinky play
(BDSM) that may also be very erotic?
MS. DUBOIS: BDSM is often referred
to as "gourmet sex," and
indeed, you have a large menu of possibilities, some spicier than
others, of course!
Let's say you and your partner have negotiated a scene where he will
be a captive made to dress in women's clothes and serve the Queen,
and she will be the Queen
who will benevolently dispense praise for good behavior and spankings
for bad.
First, set up a special evening for your scene.
You'll need a good three or four hours for the whole scene. Instruct
your partner
what to wear
and what to bring
with them. Ask them to find and buy a frilly apron and some sexy
high-heeled shoes. Have your equipment ready too. For this scene,
you'll need candles,
a dog collar that fits your bottom's neck, with a chain - these
can be found at
the supermarket as well as in a leather store, maybe some light
bondage
wrist-cuffs. A sleep-mask or a blindfold. A piece of nylon rope,
not longer than ten feet,
and not too thin - twine can cut. Look around the kitchen and see
what catches your eye. A wooden kitchen spoon makes a great spanking
implement,
as does
a small wooden chopping board, or a wooden backscratcher if you
have one. Find
some clothespins to use as nipple clamps.
Unplug the phone.
Set the scene with some low lighting, maybe
some candles, and some sensuous or evocative music--if you want
a more
Victorian feel,
play some
Mozart! Pick your costume carefully. Take a comfortable seat,
take a few deep breaths, be centered, and call in your "slave".
Tell him/her to come close to you and be seen. Have him/her slowly
undress before you and fold their
clothes in a neat pile on the floor. Order them to their hands
and knees have them put the clothes to a location of your choice
while you watch them crawl.
Comment on their form, on their beauty, like you would a fine
new acquisition. Caress your new toy gently and slowly. Take the
collar in your hands. Stand up
and ask if he/she is ready to accept your collar as a symbol
of their willing submission. State how you wish to be addressed:
Sir, Madam, My Lady, Lord, Master
or Mistress, etc.
Now is a good time to remind yourselves of
the yellow and red safewords. Take control of the action. [Safewords
are words
agreed upon in
advance by both partners
so that the submissive partner can communicate to the dominant
partner even while they're still playing their roles. Yellow
is the submissive
person's
way to tell
his/her partner "slow down, ease off, boundary ahead." This
safeword frees the bottom up to say things like "No, no.
Stop!" and not really
mean them. Red means bring the scene to a full stop immediately].
Do you want their eyes lowered to the floor, or looking up
at you? Keep your orders simple
and precise. See how they are followed. Be just. If your slave
is good and attentive, give a reward, touch them sweetly, turn
them on. If the service is bad, or your
orders not followed properly "punish" them five good
whacks with the wooden spoon! It is possible that your partner
might be sassy and seek some light
humiliation or more pain. See how that feels to you. Don't
get angry, remember you are both playing.
It's only by experimenting
with your fantasy that you will
discover who your play persona is - Master, trainer, interrogator,
brat,
good girl/boy,
smart-assed
masochist or true submissive slave. Play, and have fun. You
might want to place the clothespins on their nipples, and
see how
they respond
to a little
pain.
Make sure you look into their eyes when you remove them after
a few minutes, and take notice of your own reaction - could
you
have
a sadistic streak?
You might want to use the rope to tie your submissive's
hands behind his/her back
or to a chair, or spread eagle them to the bed. Simple knots
are always the best, and make sure to have a pair of scissors
handy
just in
case.
Feel what is happening between you two. Play
with the dynamics: get really close, whisper softly, caress, breathe
warm
breath on your
lover's neck
then stand apart,
take charge with your voice and use contrasts in sensations.
Now perhaps you feel like pinching, slapping, scratching
-- scratch.
Pay attention to their response, their level
of turn-on.
Don't be shy to ask for what you really want
your bottom to specifically do for you. Maybe you want your breasts
touched and kissed in
a certain way. Perhaps
you wish your lover to worship your feet and ankles.
Tell him/her exactly how you want them to do it. Guide them
to serve you
in the best possible
way. Let
yourself receive. Encourage and praise your partner
for
doing a good job.
Find your power, feel it, use it,
play with it, and above all enjoy.
This scene might not have heavy
SM or bondage, and maybe it will lead to some great, hot sex,
and that's just
the point.
You've
opened the
door,
gotten a taste,
and the future is wide open. Remember, you collared
your partner as a symbol of your dominance and
his/her submission.
It
is your responsibility
to
remove it, and to close the scene when the play
is ended. Make sure you share your
feelings later so that you both really know what
worked and what you'd
like to do next
time.
AFF: Say someone's trying something for the
first time -- bondage, spanking, whatever -- and they
don't have
the benefit
of
a mentor, how can they approach
it safely?
DUBOIS: First look into your fantasies, and follow
your intuition. Decide what you are willing to
actualize. So, you want
to be a little brat and
be spanked
by "Daddy," or you, Mr. Businessman,
want to be a lipstick lesbian for the evening
tied up and teased by your girlfriend? If you
think that the
time is right, bring it up in loving conversation
with your partner and listen to their response.
If someone paints a picture you don't feel you
fit in, say
so. The only one who can tell if the idea of
doing something kinky turns you on or turns you
off is you. Listen to yourself.
Start slow whether
you are the top or the bottom.
It is a real good idea to leave your partner
wanting just
a little
more,
but it can
be devastating
for
both to
hurt him/her by pushing yourself or them, whether
you are the bottom wanting more or the top
wanting more.
In this day of the Internet it is certainly
much easier than it was before Leatherfolks
started
coming out
en masse to get informed.
Today you can
just put BDSM into
your search engine and find an enormous amount
of material from sound advice to the wrong
advice. It
can be truly
overwhelming.
Another
alternative is to join your local community.
Most metropolitan areas
have educational/social
leather groups as well as "munches" where
kinky folks can meet around a meal in a
public restaurant [don't worry, street
clothes are
the dress code and the
conversation stays family friendly]. It is
a good idea to email the group leader/organizer
first and ask some questions to get a comfort
level about what to expect, who attends
etc.
Many non-fiction BDSM books are available
from a number of sources. San Francisco's
Greenery
Press (http://www.greenerypress.com)
specializes in books for the
sexually adventurous.
AFF: What are some
of the ways BDSM can help people grow in erotic relationships?
DUBOIS:
SM allows us to look in our dark places in a negotiated and consensual
way. Philosophically,
SM is
quite Jungian
in that what
lives in the dark
spaces of our minds and psyches run
us. I feel it
can be quite healing to go there
and pull out erotic roles and realities
to be shared between consenting adults.
Simply
telling the truth about what you want
sexually but have been embarrassed to ask for
can be an
immensely
freeing
experience,
especially
if it's received well.
But, even if it isn't, to be daring
and put the truth out is healing in and
of itself.
Of course,
fear
of rejection
is
a big hurdle.
I encourage people to pursue their
sensual explorations freely, always
pointing
out the beauty of their
vulnerability, sexual
desires and
sadomasochism. I
truly find it beautiful in a world
of distrust and repression to let
someone guide
you to these places, or allow yourself
to go there. Erotic energy is good.
AFF:
As a dominant woman, you work with men, women and couples.
Is there
any
way, that
you've noticed,
in which
submissive
women are
different from submissive
men?
DUBOIS: There really is no comparison
because each person brings his/her
own particular
flavor to
their submission
and each
is beautiful in
its own way. However,
men tend to have more visual ideas
in their fantasies and women are
more about
their
feelings. Submissives
of both
genders
always want
to know
if they please
their Dominants.
AFF: What elements
of play or types of play do you find most enjoyable?
DUBOIS: Oh
there are so many...After a workshop in Los Angeles I was
shown around
their play
space and
they
had a "classroom." As
soon as I saw the big blackboard,
the little school desks and
the rulers I instantly became
La Maitresse
d'Ecole. The lesson was rather
twisted, of course! Through
the years I have surprised
myself. Being of a curious
nature, I didn't turn down
any fantasy I considered
safe until I had at least tried
it once. Say, cross-dressing,
I had no understanding of
it until I met a marvelous "slut/masochist" cross
dresser and playing with
him/her was just a blast!
On
the private side of my
life, I tend to act like
a know-it-all
brat
in my
bottoming mode.
However,
lately I have discovered
the exquisite
pleasure
of surrendering
if the chemistry is right
between me and a very special partner
AND we trust
each
other.
What
I always find
enjoyable
is
the palpable
energy
exchange,
be it sweet or fiery. Since
I'm mainly a caring sadistic
control
Top, the
games I most enjoy involve
SM, verbal interaction
and bondage dynamics.
AFF:
In addition to your intensive workshops for dominant
women,
you also teach many
shorter workshops
on a wide
variety of
BDSM topics. You mention
that you
often have people write
their secret fantasies down and
pass them in
anonymously. So what
fantasies turn
up?
DUBOIS: It was at a
Learning Annex afternoon seminar
called "Overcoming
Sexual Shyness: Taking
Charge," that I
asked people to write
down on
a piece of paper either
a fantasy they had or
a secret they have never
told their partner.
I was amazed that there
was nothing really different
from what SM people play
with. The fantasies ranged
from Queen for a Day
to
gang bang fantasy, being "used" for
the pleasure of their
lovers to complete sensory
deprivation.
After all we all live
in the same society and
share
common archetypes and
taboos. The real challenge
is for people to have
the
courage to come out to
their partners about
their secrets and see
if they
can share their explorations
mutually.
An SM Scene
isn't something ready-made
that you then
act out together.
Being clear and
brave
about what
you want
and what
you are willing
to do with those
you are willing to
do it with is the next step.
Remember, you have
the right
to fantasize
about
whatever you
want, fantasy
alone never
hurt
anyone. There
are risks, though,
like the possibility that
your
partner
will reject
you or be horrified
and that
does hurt.
Or that you
might have a
hard time
dealing with what you
did and
feel shame. We all
want to be good enough,
don't
we? Just as
we seek balance between
Top and bottom so we
get the
most out
of our play,
so there
are
emotional highs
and lows.
You face
these
issues the way you
do
other
matters in your life,
with positive interpersonal
communicationäand perhaps
a longer than usual good
hug.
AFF: In closing, can
you give us an
idea of what
you're doing
currently
in terms
of teaching
people
about BDSM
and how
people might contact
you if they're
interested
in exploring some
of the things you've talked
about?
DUBOIS:
In 1995, I opened my Academy of
SM Arts,
designed to empower
those drawn
to
explore their
own fantasies
of power
play, dispel
negative myths
about fetish
and BDSM and
offer people an
opportunity to
learn solid, practical skills.
Now, in addition
to
presenting workshops
and rituals
around the country,
I am pleased
to offer Erotic
Dominance Intensives for Women,
along
with my friend
and co-traveler
down the kinky road,
Sybil Holiday.
