Leather and Spice, page 3

In the above video clip about negotiation (from The Pain Game), Brad and I discuss what we want, including our mutual desire for power exchange.

MM: What elements of play or types of play do you find most enjoyable?

CLÉO DUBOIS: Oh there are so many…After a workshop in Los Angeles I was shown around their play space and they had a “classroom.” As soon as I saw the big blackboard, the little school desks and the rulers I instantly became La Maitresse d’Ecole. The lesson was rather twisted, of course! Through the years I have surprised myself. Being of a curious nature, I didn’t turn down any fantasy I considered safe until I had at least tried it once. Say, cross-dressing, I had no understanding of it until I met a marvelous “slut/masochist” cross dresser.  Playing with him/her was just a blast!

On the private side of my life, I tend to act like a know-it-all brat in my bottoming mode. However, lately I have discovered the exquisite pleasure of surrendering if the chemistry is right between me and a very special partner AND we trust each other. What I always find enjoyable is the palpable energy exchange, be it sweet or fiery. Since I’m mainly a caring sadistic control Top, the games I most enjoy involve SM, verbal interaction and bondage dynamics.

MM: In addition to your intensive workshops for dominant women, you also teach many shorter workshops on a wide variety of BDSM topics. You mention that you often have people write their secret fantasies down and pass them in anonymously. So what fantasies turn up?

CLÉO DUBOIS: It was at a Learning Annex afternoon seminar called “Overcoming Sexual Shyness: Taking Charge,” that I asked people to write down on a piece of paper either a fantasy they had or a secret they have never told their partner. We all live in the same society and share common archetypes and taboos. I was amazed that there was nothing really different from what SM people play with. The fantasies ranged from Queen for a Day to gang bang fantasies, to being “used” for the pleasure of lovers, to complete sensory deprivation.

An SM Scene isn’t something ready-made. The real challenge is for people to have the courage to come out to their partners about their secrets and see if they can share their explorations mutually. Being clear and brave about what you want and what you are willing to do with those you are willing to do it with is the next step. Remember, you have the right to fantasize about whatever you want, fantasy alone never hurt anyone.

There are risks, though, like the possibility that your partner will reject you or be horrified, and that does hurt. Or that you might have a hard time dealing with what you did and feel shame. We all want to be good enough, don’t we?

Just as we seek balance between Top and bottom to get the most out of our play, there are emotional highs and lows. You face these issues the way you do other matters in your life, with positive interpersonal communication and perhaps a longer than usual good hug.

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This post was written by
A ritualist, BDSM educator & kinky coach, I founded the Academy of SM Arts in 1995 to share with others what I had learned since beginning my journey into BDSM in the 80's - that negotiated sadomasochism is a valid path to self-discovery, intimacy and healing.

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